Kever Avot – 5781 – Individual Observance

Bob Evans

For centuries, perhaps millennia, Jews have visited the graves of their ancestors between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. In many North American Jewish communities, there is a traditional observance of Kever Avot (Graves of the Ancestors) where the community gathers in the Jewish cemetery and visits the graves of loved ones and community members, and reads Psalms, prayers and poems. It is a time to honor those who are no longer among us and to consider life’s transience and how precious life is. It is often, also a time to schmooze and meet community members.

This year, we are going to have a short virtual Kevar Avot gathering via ZOOM. This event is discussed in another document. Here are some ideas for observing Kever Avot in a more individual manner.

Visiting Cemeteries

Some people avoid cemeteries, others find them interesting places to visit for a variety of reasons.

While because of the COVID-19 pandemic, we cannot gather together in the cemetery, we can make individual visits. They are usually not crowded, at least not with the living. Older cemeteries with raised markers are often historically interesting. Some grave stones, usually the older ones, have interesting inscriptions or symbols. Some people go to cemeteries to bird watch. If you are very lucky, you may see a cat.

Cemeteries can be a good place to bring one’s own mortality to mind and to think about the lives of the people buried there, most of them strangers, most of them largely forgotten, reduced to a name, some dates and maybe a few more words, And yet, they were once living vital people like ourselves, who probably did good and evil, loved and were loved, worked and played, they may have had children and even now have descendants who never knew them and may not even know of them.

This is not necessarily morbid, an awareness of death can help one realize how precious and fleeting life is. We might be reminded to show how much we love those dear to us, how fragile they are and how we should let them know how much we love them while we can.

It is good to get out, in this time of isolation and social distancing. Why not visit a cemetery? We are blessed with many interesting and beautiful ones on the coast. It is a Jewish tradition to place a stone on a grave marker when visiting. Some people observe the tradition of washing their hands when leaving a cemetery,

Here are some of the coast’s cemeteries:

Cuffy’s Cove Cemetery in Elk

This is a beautiful and wild cemetery overlooking the ocean, about a mile and a half north of Elk. There are three Jewish graves here. Parking can be a bit tricky. People park on the east side of Highway 1, but parking on the west side may be safer (This probably does not need to be said, but don’t make a U turn or unsafe left turn into Highway 1)

There are several cemeteries. The community cemetery where the Jewish graves are located is the Community Cemetery. This is the southernmost one.

Don’t get too close to the edge of the cliff, this is unsafe. Watch out for gopher holes.

Little River Cemetery

The Little River Cemetery is 0.2 miles south of Van D amme State Park Beach and the Little River Inn. There is one Jewish grave here. The cemetery is notable for the presence of a 60 foot ocean blow hole. Parking is somewhat tricky here. It is best approached from the North

Mendocino Village Jewish Cemetery

This is the cemetery with the majority of Jewish graves. It was created by the MCJC in 1991 as part of the Mendocino Cemetery District Evergreen Cemetery. The Jewish section is in the southwest corner of the Evergreen cemetery, surrounded by a low wooden fence.

Caspar Cemetery

This is a hidden cemetery on an unmarked road with a locked gate. You can park on Pt Cabrillo Dr (Rd 409 South) just a little ways south of Highway 1 and walk in, about 1/4 of a mile along the road. It is a lovely place in the middle of the forest., secluded and a great place to bird watch.

Ocean View Jewish Cemetery – Fort Bragg

This is an MCJC Jewish cemetery created in 2012 within the private Rose Park Ocean View cemetery, north of Fort Bragg on Pudding Creek Road. The entrance is easy to miss. It is a couple hundred feet east of Highway 1. Make a left hand turn. If you get to Waste Management, which is next door, you have gone too far. The Jewish section is marked by four small stone corner posts. It is several hundred feet up the road on the right.

Honoring

Few of us grew up in Mendocino, so not many of us have family buried here, but there are other ways we can honor family and friends during the Days of Awe. In the Jewish, tradition, one never “gets over” a death, one continues to remember and miss the person who we loved and was once a part of our lives.

A Kever Avot observance may be more personal than Yizkor (literally “he remembers”) which is a formal community service. Yizkor is, traditionally held four times a year.

There are many ways we could choose to remember someone, as a Kevar Avot practice. This could be very simple or more involved. We might choose to focus on one person or many. They might be ancestors, partners, children, friends, teachers, anyone really who comes to mind. If you feel so inclined, see where your heart leads you during this time.

Lighting a candle – El Malei Rachamim

A very simple thing one could do is to light a candle in memory of one or many who have departed this life.

You might want to write their name(s) to have before you. (Never leave an open flame unattended, please)

 It is tradition, that one only recites the Mourner’s Kaddish (Kaddish Yaton) in the company of a Minyan.

However, one is encouraged to say the El Malei Rachamin (God Full of Compassion) prayer, in the memory of the dead, even when one is alone.

(There are versions of this prayer in the appendix.)

Reminiscence

You might want to choose a person or several people who were important in your life and bring them to mind. You might want to remember the times you shared. Maybe things will come to mind that you had not thought about for a long time. If you have photographs, you might want to look through them. You might want to get in touch with someone who knew a person you are thinking of and share memories and feelings, or talk about them to someone you are close to now, who never knew them.

Writing

Writing comes easily to some people, less easily to others. (Mark Gross is offering an excellent online class through the MCJC, helping people learn how to write more easily.)

You might want to write down your recollections and feelings for someone who has died. This can be a way to memorialize them. This is something that can be preserved and handed down to subsequent generations (Dor v’Dor). It might not be fully appreciated now, but it almost assuredly will be later. It can also help process feelings which may have been percolating under the surface.

Family Tree

This sounds like a simple thing, but it is surprising how quickly memory fades. We remember our grandparents names and maybe our great grandparents, but things get fuzzy beyond that. One thing you could do for your children and/or nephews and nieces is to create a family tree. There is software for this, but all you really need is good quality paper and a pencil.

Many Tanachs have a section for a family tree. It is a tradition that the family bible was the place where the family history was kept, because it was unlikely to be lost.

Oral History

Many people find it easier to talk than to write, and in some ways a recording is a more honest record. Today, with computers, tablets and smartphones, recording technology is ubiquitous. You might want to honor someone by talking about them and making a recording, a parent or grandparent perhaps, preserving memories that would otherwise be lost forever.

Some people find it easier to be interviewed. There may be someone in your family or life who is interested in these recollections. You could do an oral history via a ZOOM session, record it, and save the recording for posterity. (Recording on ZOOM requires a $15.month Pro account which can be canceled at any time.)

Tzedaka

Giving Tzedaka (charity) in memory of someone who has died is a very old Jewish tradition. This is a way of honoring them and doing good in the world. Many people give in multiples of 18, which is the numeric value of Chai, according to Gematria. You might consider giving to a cause which was special to the person in whose memory you are making a donation, rather than one you normally contribute to, like cat rescue rather than Hadassah or vice versa.